Emo or Not?

Had this weird feeling again on events happened today. 

1st was screaming over the phone to Standard Chartered Card Officer for reminding me for payment a day before DUE...(w.t.f. AXS & SAM need 2 days to process payment, calling me at 4plus isn't it too late?? And received call last week to inform me that I need to pay another $100 to meet the minimum payment for month of Sept'11 and Oct'11 will only be out on 22nd. I had proceed with the payment already and today inform me my Oct'11 bill is due TOMORROW !! Screamed at the lady officer opposite the phone and said I am NOT GOING TO PAY FOR THE LATE FEES DUE TO YOUR FAULT.

2nd issue was receiving message from a friend that requested for my resume to be sent to her for her senior to see. I had already sent it to their HR 3 weeks back and no news since. The purpose of asking me to send in my resume directly is because her senior do not want foreigner and prefer locals. Their HR had selected a foreigner and the senior is not pleased with it. Well after cooling down for a few hours, I still find no reason why I am seemed to be a "replacement" or sort of. And its my 2nd try, 1st was 2 years back. Just find that they are not sincer to hire people and is wasting my time. I do not think I deserve to be treated as a "replacement" in any way. In addition I am not in that urgent condition to look for job and will not take up such offer even so. Well perhaps this is the least amount of self confidence I have in myself. And had mentioned to my friend I will NEVER TRY YOUR COMPANY AGAIN. 2 times of disappointment is enough. For the moment I will be staying put in this job till further notice I guess. 

Work Peaking Up

Its already End September, 3 months to end of 2011. Entering 5th Month at work but am not feeling any better in fitting into this environment as of 5 mths back. I still doubt that day will never come. As work flow gradually increased, Life at work is getting tiring and tons more of stress. Still am telling myself to hang-in there. Its just 1 Year and will do, everything will end in just 7 more months. But these 7 months are filled with lots of fear and doubt which I don't know if I can overcome. Praying hard I will bah.

3 months

1st Day after my 3 months and I have received my name card !! Hohoh efficient HR, mentioned name card to be ready once confirm and there it goes...wala...hahah..

CONFIRMED

Today received my advance confirmation from my boss. Advance because she will be away next 2 weeks on leave hence had to pass me the letter in advance. Simple as that.

Been Confirmed didn't seemed to be "That" happy as I thought I should be. I was actually pretty disappointed that there wasn't any increment in this "Confirmation" like what my HR previously mentioned that they would adjust if performance good. So does it mean that my performance not good? Or just got cheated? That I don't know. The thing I know clearly is I'm like a balloon, still floating and forecast I will be in that mode throughout my contract. It seems like during these "Wonderful days" I am already in a LOST, when the "Stormy days" come in a few day's time, I will LOST in the mids of no where. 

Talking about future, I really don't know what the outcome will be after this job. Will I career path and options have more selections? 

What I know is that, no form of increment throughout my contract period, a pro-rated / zero 13th mth / bonus and an unclear future ahead. Had been questioning myself to all these on and off. Should I go through my 3rd Probation period in 2011? Very sian right to hear that? Thats how I felt. But at this moment there doesn't seemed to be any good offers in the market at this moment that I can choose so I just have to stay on. 

Knowing the rough pay range of my colleague entering the same period as me just puzzled me and causing certain level of disturbance. Well well this is why I didn't like to ask and tell anything on pay matters, psychological disturbance.

THINKING..

I had been thinking of lots of matters over the past 2 weeks. Things that do with my life (the life I am living now) and career.

Almost reaching the age of 28 in few months time but sometimes I still felt that I don't consider things as an adult. Looking back at how I spend my life so far is totally of not much of planning. Perhaps I really need to worry of my future or in time to come when I am 35 what would I have accomplished. Different people set different goals like saving XXX dollars by age when, getting married by age XX and etc. To me my life seems to be in a mess and am always in 'Lost' mode whereby I do not know what am I doing. Perhaps I need to re-focus my life on something, some target to keep myself from getting 'Lost'. Had been spending my life the last 5 yrs to recover what I have missed out in my past 23 yrs...Perhaps this is not what it should be. Guess my 1st target would still be getting myself out from debts (loans and etc). 

Almost reaching my 5th year of work. What have I accomplished at work? Health deteriorate due to work. Pay hitting 3k mark. What else? Really couldn't figure out what else. I don't know when did I start to have the reluctancy of working, time at work always seemed to be so torturing that I felt like taking MC / leave to escape from work. I have been jumping to my 5th company already and what have I learnt from my mistakes? Nothing much but having bad habits like Spending money like water when not feeling good or Taking MC / Leaves to escape from problems at work. Should really put things back into place as it should be and get my butt moving from getting fat.

UNHAPPY

Super Emo today once again today, had the feel of bursting to tears at work.  Am I not working hard enough? Do I deserve these? I really wonder. I really don't like to force myself to hyper mode everyday doing things that I don't understand why am I doing. Felt so tired and drained.......

EMO AGAIN.......

Its NATIONAL DAY and I am stuck at home doing OT......
Didn't understand why is my life like this
Put in lot of effort to try to get things right but it just seems like this is not to my control.
Had that "FEEL" again......its getting stronger everytime I felt that things don't go to what I expected it to be.
Almost 5 yrs of work already but why am I still feeling so hard to adjust to the working world?